The Green Devil Inside
When the voices in your head are not only real but accurate
The deep malevolence that stained my soul black craves anarchy. Nothing can be revered as I transform into something that yearns to burn everything down. The devil within tortures me daily with no remorse.
My heart is filled with brimstone as I have to relegate life around a fiend. Restraint takes on a loose meaning as it’s only a matter of time before a horrific scene unfolds. Bodies flying and concrete turned to rubble is what the future holds. I’ve lived this nightmare countless times, and before the rampage begins, the sacrifice of my flesh is mandatory.
I wish I couldn't feel
The roar in my head begins to reach a deafening volume. My body grows hot as the anger begins to boil over. Sense of self disappears as I lose authority over my motor skills. Canibalized by his spitefulness, he knows how to make his presence as agonizing as possible.
He laughs as his arrival is near, while my organs run through a blender. The anguish I’ve had to endure is coming to a head as my-
My skin rips.
My organs twist.
My mind blitzed.
And he is pissed.
With my memory clipped, I wake up in a fog of regret and shame, covered in sweat and tattered clothes. Recurring blackouts and faint visions of the chaos will be stored in my subconscious.
![We rarely get to see how gross it is for Hulk to transform back into Bruce [Incredible Hulk #5] : r/Marvel](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/$s_!FI5p!,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F56e86111-55bf-49c6-bcbe-ff72079ad6ca_1492x2296.jpeg "We rarely get to see how gross it is for Hulk to transform back into Bruce [Incredible Hulk #5] : r/Marvel")
My autopilot has the temper of a honey badger on coke. A quick lapse in judgment would have my anatomy devastated and clueless in a cave. I just need to grow comfortable with my insanity being my reality.
Grief has always been there
“Puny Banner” is my mental wallpaper. It’s hard to say the voices aren’t real when they have real-world consequences. Contorting my perspective at every turn, it’s almost out of the question to convince myself to be happy. Battered for what seems like eternity, it’s impossible to dodge despair. On a nice day, I may have a smile on my face, but Lord knows that it’s temporary. How am I to remain sane when the greatest obstacle is not just him, but the span of affliction that began when I was a child?
Viewed as having less of a spine than a jellyfish, it’s hard to find the grit to push forward. How can I tell myself everything will be okay when every time I close my eyes, he’s screaming at me? Therapy is useless when the advice is drowned out by my plight. Who is supposed to be related to a man who has the potential to be in a beautiful relationship one second,
-Employed at a top government facility.
-Becoming America’s Most Wanted,
-To be homeless in another part of the globe,
-all in the same day. Even worse, reaching out to others is prohibited, as having a relationship outside of my own body reaps deadly consequences.
Better off Forgotten
As long as the mind is active, I’m never truly alone. However, sometimes I wish I could just crawl into a hole and die. Anger can tarnish any bond, even if love is air. Now imagine the scenario presented where, instead of roses, you bring a bloodbath.
Seen as a target and a deceiver, the only person I ever lied to was myself. With shaky ground under my traumatic structure, how am I supposed to survive? The way things keep going, it’s better off if everyone thought I was dead.
![r/Marvel - Bruce Banner calls suicide prevention hotline of Christmas [Hulk:Last call]](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/$s_!6uNa!,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F7b8080c9-d453-4df2-852b-b99ebf44af0b_640x1017.png "r/Marvel - Bruce Banner calls suicide prevention hotline of Christmas [Hulk:Last call]")
Commonality is absent, as I am the destruction no one prayed for. Even when I try to protect those from the carnage over the horizon, violence still runs rampant. For the betterment of everyone, I must live isolated from society and deprived of human connection.
Unable to feel the warm embrace of a lover or go to a concert with a friend, everyone would be happier if I just faded away. Wishing I could be a guest in the valley of the nonexistent, I just want to be able to kiss a gun in the courtesy of my own home.
Wanting a Vacation in the After-Life
Life is Hulk as I am nothing, while I gift my suicidal thoughts tangebility. I’ve hit my breaking point several times over, and without fail, I am halted from seeing the gates of heaven.
Imagine my shock when I leaped off that cliff, thinking the noise would subside, only to wake up in a heap of rubble and inner insults. All but guaranteeing me to be chained to my depression, I can’t free myself from the prison of the living. But at the end of the day, I am a scientist, so when a problem presents itself, I can’t help but try to solve it.
Creativity knows no bounds when trying to kill an immortal. From cutting out ribbons of flesh to swallowing pills like candy, nothing seems to turn the lights out permanently. I will never know peace while this turmoil lasts. I have tried many solutions to get him under control, yet I find myself again wishing to never see another sunrise.
Nevertheless, if I can get through multiple attempts to meet my maker, maybe I have the endurance to push past my suffering.
Trauma Bonded
Most fear facing their tormenter; however, I had nothing to lose. Due to my father, life has already been synonymous with hate before Hulk, and something is telling me it’ll remain the same if he leaves. Blaming him for all my problems is nonsensical while coming to terms that I’ve always been that scared little kid cowering from my Dad.
Regardless of what I think, we are one in the same. He is the direct result of my utter frustration and fear growing up. He’s not the man who killed my mother or beat me as a child. He is a part of my history, and I should not be necessarily ashamed but understand that change is needed. Mediation is key, but coming to terms with my shattered history is vastly more important.
How am I going to turn my pain into a best friend? Proritzing that acceptance is something that won’t come overnight. Forgiveness doesnt take place instantly, and trust can’t happen at a moment’s notice. But what will happen when we are on the same page?
As someone with DID myself/our selves, I have mixed feelings about Bruce Banner/The Hulk. They can be either one of the worst representations of DID or one of the best, depending on who is writing them. You did a very good job in this article of getting into Bruce’s head, and showing the complexity of his feelings about The Hulk.
My favorite writer of The Hulk was definitely Al Ewing. But when I first started reading his run, I was a bit nervous about where he was going with the “Devil Hulk”. It seemed like it was going to be yet another “Evil Alter,” which is a trope that Hollywood likes to use in horror movies, which is both stigmatizing and extremely inaccurate. But as I read further, it became clear that the Devil Hulk was supposed to be something far more accurate to DID: a protector alter who seems like a persecutor, because they don’t know how to protect the system in more healthy ways. Many systems have alters like that, including our own. In fact, our protector alter, Denise D., has been writing a series of posts about her life on our Substack.
I’m looking forward to part two of your post! Your writing style is very compelling.
Leyna